Dr. Gary Chapman looked at way couples communicated their love to each other. In his book: The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts Dr. Chapman describes five unique styles of communicating love.
Not everybody communicates their love in the same way. Each of us give and receive love differently, but they all fall within these five categories:
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
The love languages describe the different ways that partners feel loved and appreciated. By finding your love language and your partner’s love language you can help strengthen your relationship.
Words of Affirmation
I need to hear you tell me that you love me and are proud of me
The words of affirmation love language is a verbal love language. These people need to hear “I love you” and other positive compliments from their partners. The verbal compliments do not have to be complicated; sometimes the shortest and simplest praises can be the most effective. Encouragement, affirmation, appreciation, and actively listening are all important parts to this type of love language.
Send an unexpected note or card telling them that you appreciate them. Leave them a sticky note saying, “I love you.” Tell them how wonderful they look today. These are just a few ways that you can show them that you love them.
DO make sure that you are genuine in your affirmations. They do not want fake words of affirmation; they want you to be authentic and real. Express love with words that will build your partner up. When you notice good things, say it, and say it often.
DON’T use negative or insulting comments. These can hurt your partner and cut a little deeper than you expect. Don’t engage in nonconstructive criticism as words have an impact and leave a lasting impression.
Acts of Service
Actions speak louder than words
People with this love language value when their partner goes out of their way to make their life easier. They feel taken care of and valued when their partner supports them and helps to ease their responsibilities. These acts don’t always need to some grand gesture. The most powerful acts are those that are done spontaneously. Whatever act of service you do, they should be done with positivity and with your partner’s ultimate happiness in mind.
Doing chores together. Making them breakfast in bed. Letting your partner sleep in. Giving your partner a back rub. These are just a few ways that you can use act of services to show them your love. Keep in mind that your act of service needs to go above and beyond what you do on a regular basis.
DO offer to help without being asked. Step up to do little things to make their life easier. Go above and beyond helping them to make them feel appreciated.
DON’T do actions out of obligations or with a negative tone. These are not true acts of services. Don’t go back on a promise or neglect chores. Forgetting to do the bare minimum can add unnecessary stress and be seen as a lack of appreciation.
Receiving Gifts
The gifts you give me have meaning. Even something small and unexpected can show me how much you love me.
Some people value giving and receiving gifts. This has nothing to do about the monetary value of the gift; it’s more about the symbolic thought behind the gift. Gifts remind the person that you are thinking of them. The gesture of receiving a gift reinforces that they are seen, cared for, and loved.
Picking up a pint of their favorite ice cream after a long work week. Bringing them their favorite flowers. Make them a homemade card. These gifts don’t always need to be expensive or elaborate; they just need to come from the heart.
DO look for unique occasions to give your love one a gift. During holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, or other special occasions, get them a special gift to help them remember the occasion.
DON’T buy a gift just to give a gift. A thought less gift is worse than no gift at all. Remember, it is not so much about the gift, but the meaning behind the gift.
Quality Time
I feel loved the most when you spend quality one-on-one time with me.
Some people measure the quality of their love by how much time their significant other spends time with them. It’s not about just spending time together, it’s about spending quality time and giving all your attention to that one special person. Make sure to take time every day to spend a little bit of quality time with your partner.
Walk around the neighborhood. Go stargazing. Plan a romantic picnic. Plan a weekend getaway. Quality time can be both spontaneous and planned out, just as long as you are getting to spend quality one-on-one time with your partner.
DO spend one-on-one time with them. Give your undivided attention to your loved one without other distractions. Hang out and enjoy each other with undivided attention. Make it a meaningful occasion.
DON’T use your phone or allow other distractions to interrupt your quality time together. The last thing you want your partner to feel is that you are not listening to them. Every time you cancel a date or postpone time together can make your partner feel like you care more about other things than them. When they don’t get enough “together time,” then they start to feel unloved.
Physical Touch
Sometimes I just need a hug. I love the moments when we are physically close to each other.
Nothing is more impactful than the physical tough of their partner. It’s about the touch and connections they feel. It’s not all about sex, but rather about intimacy. They look forward to hugs, cuddles, and kissing. When there is the show of physical affection, they feel grounded in the relationship. It helps them feel wanted and desired.
To some degree, we all need some physical touch in our intimate relationships, but for those whose physical touch is their primary love language, it can be even more important. The physical intimacy and touch are incredibly affirming and serve as a powerful emotional connector between two people.
Hugging, holding hands, and show physical affection often. Schedule a cuddling or snuggling time as a date. Give your partner a back scratch or a massage. These are ways that you can use physical touch to strengthen your relationship.
DO sit close to your loved ones. Give them affectionate hugs during the day. They’ll always be happy to receive a little extra love.
DON’T skip out on a hello hug or kiss. Forgetting these affections can often lead to hurt feelings of your loved ones.
Why does Finding Your Love Language Matters?
Being love in the way that you understand and appreciate is important in any relationships. The five love languages will help you understand the most important way that you can meet your partners emotional needs. Keep in mind that even though a person may have a primary love language that they gravitate toward the most, they still like to be shown affection in the other languages as well.